Four months and missing Jonathan David

Today is exactly 4 months since Jonathan David was born and entered eternity. We miss him dearly and have remembered him a lot today. I've been recently having lots of "flash backs" of specific moments during the pregnancy and of our few hours together. A particular memory will just suddenly appear in my mind, even if I'm not thinking about him at the time. He is just so part of us and always will be. Thank God we are being restored and strengthened but we still carry with us a sadness which we believe will always be part of our lives.

It brings us much comfort to remember that he is very alive and completely healed in heaven. We often try to imagine what he is doing and sometimes wonder what he is like, if he is growing up into a little boy as he would be on earth, etc. To imagine what it will be like to meet him again always brings tears to my eyes... wow, it's going to be amazing, I'm going to run to him and hold him so tight! We will then have eternity to love and enjoy each other! But until then, we have a purpose to fulfill on earth and we hope to do that well, glorifying God and making Jonathan David proud.

It's also amazing to see how our faith has grown through this journey. Death now is so much more real than it ever was. We now understand more than ever why trusting Jesus is truly amazing and a gift. It is because of His life that we can confidently place our hope that our son is well and that we will be reunited with him. Thank you Lord for the privilege to know you and that because of our son's life, we are now more focused on heaven.

Jonathan David, we know that many are remembering and missing you today too. Here is an e-mail that I received from Kristen for you:


Dear Little Jonathan David,

Today you would have been four months old! How big you would be getting, smiling and cooing and developing quite a little personality. We miss you very much, but we are so blessed to have gotten the chance to meet you. How precious your little life is to your parents and to all of us! Your parents fought hard to keep you with us as long as possible, but now you are with Jesus and we know he is taking great care of you.

Lots of love,
Kristen


We love you so much son, can't wait to be with you again!

Memorial Day

We had a full Memorial Day holiday today. We first went with our friends Sivert and Shenorva to visit the graves of both our sons - Jonathan David and Stephen William. It is truly a gift and comfort to us that they are buried right next to each other - it helps us not feel so alone in our experience and grief. It was very special to spend over an hour there together cleaning the grave stones, putting new flowers, reflecting and dreaming about heaven. It is also special to us that like Jonny, Sivert is half Chinese and half European (in his case, Swedish). Shenorva is American and their beautiful daughter Sabrina, who is almost 14 months old, is a beautiful blend of the two of them!


The flower arrangement that we put on Jonathan David's grave today are made of silk so that they will last for a while and keep his grave site beautiful. Jonny really wanted to have orchids given his Asian roots and the green leaves are eucalyptus which is very common in Brazil. It looked really beautiful:

In the afternoon we had a relaxing and fun time with the Staggers. Jonny and Mike took Holly swimming while Kristen and I enjoyed watching them having fun and took care of Mikey. Jonny also got to hold Mikey for the first time and this was very special for him. After swimming, we went back to their condo for the last time (since they are moving soon to their first new house!) and enjoyed Ledo's pizza, calzone, salad and finally a lovely fruit salad. Jonny really enjoyed playing with the kids and Holly was really excited to play with "Donny" and squealed many times! Here are some photos of our afternoon together:

So tomorrow it's back to work. For Jonny, he'll be busy with his experiments in the lab and I'll be getting ready for my trip to Honduras next Sunday. Good night!

A special evening with Kristen and family

Last night was a very special evening for me. I went with Kristen and her family (including her parents who are visiting from Iowa) to see the first house that they are in the process of buying. It is so beautiful and just perfect for the family! We were praising God together for their new home. We are so excited to spend time with them there once they have moved.

After visiting the house we went to eat at this wonderful Egyptian restaurant close by. Here are some cute photos that I took of the kids:

Holly enjoying her pasta - age 2 and 7 months

and Mikey (age 6 months) smiling at his Grandpa in his father's arms.

At the end of the meal I got to hold Mikey for the first time. Kristen and I were both surprised that this was the first time I had actually held him but the previous times I had seen him he was either sleeping or sick. It was so special holding Mikey; I just hugged him so tight and suddenly remembered holding Jonathan David and felt very emotional.

After we left the restaurant Kristen and I drove back together with the kids in the same car and we started talking about Jonathan David and how much we both miss him. Kristen said she often thinks about him and what he would be doing now at almost 4 months - like giving us lots of smiles and making cute noises. It comforted my heart so much to see again how Jonathan David continues to be so loved by others. After a while in the car we started laughing when we realized that we were both crying, Mikey was in the back wailing (he hates his car seat) and Holly was trying to talk to us! I will always remember our time together in the car...

As I have been thinking about yesterday, I was remembering how wonderful Kristen was throughout the whole journey with Jonathan David. We were so excited when we discovered that we were pregnant together and then both broken hearted when we heard about Jonathan David's condition. Kristen kept encouraging me week after week with endless prayers, cards, e-mails, phone calls, etc. She was also with us during some of our scans and was at the hospital soon after Jonathan David was born and got to meet him alive and participate in his baptism. About a month after he was born, she visited us at home and gave us an amazing present: a collage of Jonathan David which we now have in his room.

Kristen, I praise God for you. You are such a treasured friend and I love you so much. Thank you for everything! I'm sending you a big virtual hug until I see you next!

Photos of Honduran food and friends...

As I have been thinking about my upcoming trip to Honduras, I remembered that I had taken photos of the food I wrote about in yesterday's blog!

This is the fried cheese on fried green banana - just yummy!!!

And this is the best chicken fajitas (Honduran style) I have ever eaten!

Can you now see why I need Jonny to come with me so that we can keep up the tennis and ballroom? :-)

But I'm most looking forward to seeing Perla (left of photo) who is the leader of our country office and one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Just love her! The photo below was taken in March 2006 and the younger women in the photo are Perla's daughters (the two next to me on the right of the photo: Wilsen and Livny) and her niece (Jocelyn, in between Perla and I).

Oh, the above photo also reminds me that I always feel like a giant in Honduras! :-)

Maria Helena's birthday and American Idol Final!

We've both been busy at work this week but have had some fun evenings. Tuesday was our family friend Maria Helena's birthday and since she thought I was in Ethiopia, we decided to surprise her with my presence. It was so cute seeing her reaction when she opened her front door and realized that I was standing there and not in Ethiopia! We also surprised her with a present that she really wanted: a tower fan for her bedroom! :-) I actually managed to capture the moment when she saw the fan in the trunk of our car!

We took her to a nearby Chinese buffet restaurant for dinner and went back to her place to watch the American Idol finals together. We love Maria Helena, she has such a heart of gratitude and we had fun making her birthday special.

Last night we watched the American Idol results show with our friends Chris and Corinne and got to enjoy Corinne's wonderful lasagna again!

It was particularly fun finding out together that the new Idol is...

Jordin Sparks!!!

At least the evening cheered up Jonny a bit because he was so disappointed that Liverpool lost against AC Milan... Anyway, no more American Idol until next year. This was the first time we followed the show closely and it all started while my mother and Stephen were here in January, a few weeks before Jonathan David was born. It was something fun to do together during our difficult time. The end of the show is another reminder that we've started a new season...


My trip to Ethiopia has been canceled and now I'll be going to Honduras instead from June 3rd to the 15th. It's much easier going to Honduras since it only takes me about 6 hours to get there and the time difference is minimal. I'm actually looking forward to seeing my Honduran colleagues again - I can't believe it's already been a year since I was last there. I'm also excited about eating their amazing fried cheese over fried green bananas and their chicken fajitas (best I've ever eaten)! Uhm...not sure how this is going to fit with my aim to lose more of the pregnancy weight...Jonny, can you come with me so we can continue with tennis and ballroom? :-)

Korean barbecue, tennis and more...

1. Our weekend started off with a special and memorable dinner with our friends KC and Dong. They took us out to this Korean barbecue restaurant and it was a wonderful first time experience! You cook the beef in front of you and then place it on lettuce leaves with other very interesting condiments (including raw crab!) and it was very yummy! Dong explained - and later demonstrated :-) - that it is customary for a wife to prepare the meat and lettuce "wrap" and shove it in her husband's mouth! KC did very well in managing to eat the huge wrap!

But the dinner was especially memorable for the conversation we had. They are just such an encouraging couple and we talked a lot about our futures and where God is taking us. We are really excited to see what will happen in the months ahead... Thank you KC and Dong for a wonderful evening, we really appreciate you both!


2. First joint tennis lesson with Martin! So a couple of weeks ago, we were trying to play tennis together (I, Ana, am a complete beginner) and became intrigued by this tennis coach teaching this guy on the court next to us. The coach just came across as an excellent teacher and we sat down and watched him coaching for about half an hour until we realized, it would be a good idea to have some lessons too. So we approached him and found out that he's an interesting guy: he coaches the University of Maryland girls tennis team, follows the British football league closely (which really impressed Jonny!) and was born in Czechoslovakia and grew up in Sweden. Anyway, we were happy to find out that his classes are reasonable and so we're now his students! I had a half an hour lesson with him about 2 weeks ago and yesterday we had a one hour lesson together! It has really helped us and this evening, we went to practice and have already seen a huge improvement. I'm particularly excited about tennis because I really wasn't sure I would enjoy it but I'm loving it! It's also helping me lose a lot of the pregnancy weight which is a huge bonus. :-)


3. Baby Ladan's first social evening! On Saturday night, some of our life group couples came over for dinner and we enjoyed Jonny's homemade grilled hamburgers! We played the game "Taboo" and had planned to sing some Karaoke (we've had some memorable times doing so together in the past!) but we could not find the microphone anywhere in the house. I guess it was just not meant to be - to the great relief of some of the couples! :-) But what was most special about the evening was that it was Mark and Christie's first social outing with their five-week old baby son Ladan. He's so cute and it's amazing to see how much he's already grown (apparently he's been gaining 1 pound a week which is pretty impressive!).


...So now we're getting ready for another new week ahead... I'm really praying that it will be a good week. It's been a bit stressful with not knowing if or when I'll be traveling next. I've also recently been having more leadership responsibilities at work that have been quite challenging but also good experience. Jonny on the other hand is really excited because Liverpool is playing AC Milan on Wednesday for the Champions league final! He's planning to go to an Irish pub in Baltimore and join some British fans in cheering for Liverpool! Hopefully we'll have good news about this later in the week...

Quick update

...after a long day working in DC (most of the time I'm in Baltimore) and a 2 hour commute...

1. Jonny's presentation today...went well! I'm so thankful to God that Jonny did well today on his lab meeting presentation. He was working until very late last night preparing. He needs to present his work every 3 months and it always worries him a little because each time he thinks he hasn't made much progress. I'm so proud of my husband because he really is a wonderful example of perseverance. He's been now at his lab for almost 4 years and still hasn't had a big breakthrough in his research. That's just the nature of the basic scientific research he does but it is frustrating. He was so excited though that yesterday afternoon he actually got a new result to present today! Just is time, thank you God!

2. Catching up with friends since coming back from London has been so special and we have spent some real quality time with people (you know who you are!). :-) Even though we saw our friends here in the US quite frequently the last year during our difficult journey, it's been really nice catching up in much happier times. Last night I met my dear friend Kristen at La Madeleine where we used to meet every two weeks before and during our recent pregnancies. Her son Mikey is now almost 6 months old and so cute! He's got a very special place in my heart because he's only 2 months older than Jonathan David. Holly, her older daughter age about 2 1/2, loves "Miss Ana" and left me a lovely message on mother's day on the phone - it's amazing to see how much she is talking (I bet you're happy to hear that Daddy, you loved holding Holly when she was smaller last time you visited). Kristen and I hadn't met for a while at La Madeleine and it was so nice to do that again. Kristen, thanks again for the lovely conversation and for being you! :-)

3. Jonathan David's tree. After being exposed since mother's day to the afternoon sun in front of our house, some of the tree leaves are not too happy (some very burnt!) :-(. We read online that Japanese Maple trees do much better in the morning sun and cannot take too much of it. So we have moved it inside for it to recover and will then place it on our deck at the back of the house which we believe has more appropriate conditions. Hang in there tree!! :-)

4. On a much lighter note...American Idol. :-) So Jonny taped last night's result show for me because I was out but when I got home and decided to watch the last five minutes we discovered that the recording had stopped just as Ryan was presenting the final results! So we had to find out online who had been voted out and we were both shocked to hear that Melinda has gone home (she was my mother's favorite!)... Oh well, we really must vote for Jordin next week so that we're not shocked again! :-) Hopefully I'll still be in town...

Ethiopia trip postponed and extras...

I was supposed to be leaving for Ethiopia today but my trip has been postponed for either a few days or weeks. Yesterday I changed my flight for this Friday but today I learned that I may need to wait a few more days because the people I was supposed to work with in Ethiopia are no longer available and we will need to find a replacement. I'm happy that I don't have to rush off but now I can't really make any firm plans for the near future because I may be traveling any day soon. Oh well, it's all about taking one day at a time and waiting to see what happens next...

I'm excited that I'll now get to watch the American Idol semi-finals tonight (yes, we watch that sometimes too!:-)) instead of being on the plane. We canceled our ballroom class because of my trip so we'll enjoy an evening in for a change. I hope Jordin wins, I like Melinda too, but I think Jordin is so sweet and her talent at 17 is amazing. (I can't believe I'm now blogging about American Idol - I feel like a teenager again! :-))

Anyway, Jonny is running late tonight and said he will only be able to pick me up from work at about 7 pm. He said "just go ahead and blog while you are waiting" and I said "I'm already doing that!" :-) He's got a lab meeting presentation to prepare for on Thursday and said he had trouble with the microscope today...

Tomorrow is Ann's 30th birthday (one of my Singapore girlfriends that I recently saw in London) and I got a text message from her a couple of hours ago saying that all the girls were together celebrating her birthday. I wish I was there with them but at least I got to text them back and "participate" in the gathering a little. Happy birthday again Ann!!

First Mother's Day

Yesterday was a difficult but blessed day. It turned out to be better than I expected, thank God. For the last few days I had been dreading mother’s day because of not having Jonathan David with us. We just miss him so much. I never imagined that I would be spending my first mother's day without my son... But we ended up having a nice day despite the sadness.

Jonny woke me up with breakfast in bed followed by three mother's day cards: one from Buffy (our cat! :-)), one from him and one from Jonathan David. Buffy's card made me laugh because it said something like "Happy Mother's day and I love you very much but I heard a rumor that has concerned me and I need to be reassured... am I adopted?" :-) The other two cards made me cry, they were very special. I then spoke to my dear mother in Portugal and thanked her for being so wonderful and for supporting me when I needed her most in the last year. Happy mother’s day again maezinha!

Then after watching church live online, we decided to take flowers to Jonathan David's grave. His grave marker was only just placed this last week and it was the first time that we saw it. Jonathan David's body is buried in a beautiful memorial park and the day was just glorious. After spending some time reflecting on our own, we were amazingly surprised by the arrival of our "adopted parents" Jim and Jean. They said they had been thinking about us in the morning and wanted to pay their respects to Jonathan David. God brought them to us. We were so touched to see them arrive and to remember how Jonathan David is loved by others as well. Their presence at the memorial park yesterday really comforted my heart - which is why we were able to smile in these pictures. It was also very comforting seeing so many people at the park visiting either their child's grave or their mother's. It just reminded us that we were not alone in our sadness on mother's day - many others were also grieving.

After we left the memorial park we decided to re-pot Jonathan David's tree which we got from my colleagues at work. We decided not to plant it in our garden because we may be moving in a few years and want to take it with us. The tree will stay on our front door step as a beautiful reminder of our son's life.

(Note in the picture above: Buffy behind Jonny inside the house - she participated in the tree planting as well! :-))

We also received phone calls and e-mails from friends and family yesterday and were also surprised when we arrived home after the memorial park to find a beautiful basil plant in a unique plant pot painted by Ella (Chris and Corinne’s beautiful 18 month old daughter). Thank you Ella, you are very talented :-)! We ended the day with our first "cook-out" (or barbecue, as we say in other countries :-)) and had our family friend Maria Helena over. We hadn't seen her since February and it was really nice catching up and she also helped me plant some flowers in our front yard.

I thank God that despite the sadness, my first mother’s day turned out to be a good day to remember our son and acknowledge the special relationship that I have with him as his mother. He has taught me many things and I miss him dearly…

Back to Ethiopia next week!

Life is full of surprises and this week confirmed that again. Due to some urgent work in Ethiopia, I'm leaving next Tuesday, the 15th of May, and will be back on the 31st (so for just over 2 weeks). This was totally unexpected but very much in character with my work. When I first heard that I would have to go I was apprehensive since it just seems so far so soon - I've only recently started to feel stronger again after having Jonathan David. But I'm feeling more at peace about it now and know that I'll be so busy that it will go by quickly. Jonny is always so understanding about my travel so this helps a lot. And I know that he will be well since our friends here always take such good care of him when I'm away! When I was in London recently, he had dinner at different friends' houses almost every night! We are really blessed by such a supportive community of friends.

So now ballroom dancing and our other activities (which I'm still planning to write about) will have to pause for a while. I just hope we don't forget everything that we have learned! Oh well, main thing is that we have been having fun and will just have to continue in June...

On a separate note, today is my step-father's birthday and I just spoke to him - he's with my mother in England and is today staying with friends in Manchester. Happy Birthday again Stephen!! And yesterday was my sweet friend Hilda's birthday (who lives in London) and I will call you soon! Happy Birthday Hilda, I'm so proud of the young woman you are becoming and I love and miss you very much!